Today marks 5 years since we lost my Grandfather to Bladder cancer. For those of you that didn’t know, my Grandfather and I were battling cancer together. His cancer returned after many years, right after I had my first radiation treatment. My Grandfather went through so much in a short period of time. Too hard to witness and experience. But, I am grateful we had so many wonderful priceless memories.
Five years ago today, I was right beside him when he took his last breath. Till this day this vision is very difficult for me. Most nights, I still have nightmares, which gives me anxiety. I try to understand why all of us had to learn to live without him, especially my Grandmother. I try to accept the fact that my Grandfather is never coming back and I can’t. In my mind, I pretend that it’s all just a crazy nightmare just to get by during the day. I feel like grief gets harder everyday. I have a hard time understanding why this happened in the first place.
I will never accept the fact that he is not here and I am. I am suffering with guilt and this is something that I can’t seem to shake off. I don’t understand why life has to be about suffering and loss. He should be here with all of us. The world was a better place with my Grandfather in it. I try to believe that he is watching over me as I continue to fight for my life everyday.
All I know is, seeing him in pain was really unbearable to watch. I am happy he is not suffering and in pain anymore. Before my Grandfather passed he was “ok” with dying and It broke my heart. It’s life he said. I told him it shouldn’t be. It’s not fair. I miss our talks especially on my grandparent’s porch. I miss his guidance and encouragement too. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him. Everyday, as I am in pain or dealing with another health issue, I try to believe that my grandfather is watching over me, although I don’t feel it. It was nice to see my grandfather and great grandma smiling and blowing me kisses when I woke up from my last surgery.
Maybe one day, you will come through to me again. I love you all the days of my life Papa. I hope we meet again soon. Missing you every moment.
With love, your favorite Granddaughter